One night President Obama and his wife Michelle decided to do something out of routine and go for a casual dinner at a restaurant that wasn’t too luxurious. When they were seated, the owner of the restaurant asked the president’s secret service if he could please speak to the First Lady in private. They obliged and Michelle had a conversation with the owner.

Following this conversation President Obama asked Michelle, “why was he so interested in talking to you?” She mentioned that in her teenage years, he had been madly in love with her. President Obama then said, “so if you had married him, you would now be the owner of this lovely restaurant” , to which Michelle responded, “no, if I had married him, he would now be the President”.

The picture above is my favorite image of the Obamas; someone passed it onto me with the above story, via email. The tale is false but thought it ideal to illustrate a marriage point and a misconceived idea of mine.

You see at one time, when I was young and ignorant, I believed that post-divorce a woman didn’t deserve alimony, that she could easily go back to work and support herself regardless of whether she had employment during the marriage or not. I do believe that divorced spouses should work towards being self-supporting but realize there are more considerations than just the money.

“The purpose of alimony is to limit any unfair economic effects of a divorce by providing a continuing income to a non-wage-earning or lower-wage-earning spouse.” FindLaw

Personally, I’ve found the challenges much more intense than ever imagined. I’ve always been the type of person who puts her head down and works until it is done. It hasn’t been as simple as getting money to help me get back on my feet. I am doing things in middle age that most people do in their early twenties. I’m beginning to build a career, when people my age have had a 25 year head start. By affording my ex the opportunity to focus on his career while I took care of all of the remaining responsibilities, he was able to build his income from nothing to extremely comfortable. He was able to do it at a time when he had youthful energy on his side, when he was able to make mistakes and learn from them, so in the second half of his career, his experience would benefit him. He was able to do it in an economy that was supportive of his goals.

I am just beginning to build the career of my dreams, except I didn’t have the freedom to actually understand what that dream might be until now. I don’t have the stamina I had 20 years ago, so I have to work smarter without the luxury of a support system. I can’t afford mistakes at this stage of my life.

I know that if my ex didn’t have someone who took care of his home and children for him, his career would look entirely different. Given the same opportunities, mine would be different too.

How can you possibly put a dollar value on that?

When any of us live or work in an environment that embraces values that are in conflict with our personal values, our souls will begin a process of interior disturbance in order to remove us from that which threatens our spiritual health. Despite monetary security or reward, if we stay on a path that disconnects us from our spiritual energy, we begin the process of slow death, which continues unless something begins to change.

Living Simultaneously by Jeff Patnaude

I have been feeling dead. Stuck in hamster wheel hell.

I’ve spent most of the winter trying to determine if it’s my relentless schedule (I’ve been working 16 hour days, 7 days a week for most of the past two years), my substandard processed food diet due to the schedule, the seasonal affective disorder I annually battle when living in a ’5 months of winter’ locale, or the weight gain due to all of the above. I can’t even begin to discuss the career frustrations or the personal relationship pain.

My spirit is dying a slow death; the buzzards are circling.

When I chose to step out of a one-sided marriage, I was elated. The feeling of freedom and possibility filled my soul with purpose. I’ve lost that lightness of being and I need to find it again. I thought I could work hard for 4 years, and then follow my dreams, but the decades of stress have beaten me down.

My spiritual stamina is not what it once was; something needs to change.

Conclusion?
A reduction in office hours is the first place to start. I’m heading out on a road trip soon, hoping to discover ways to feed my soul while not draining my pocketbook. I’ll be looking for the woman I once knew who always saw

• the good,
• the positive,
• the possibility,

in EVERY moment AND person she met.

I hope I find her soon.

Photo Credit

And yet, we refer to people as “leaders” and “followers.” This isn’t just in business, but also in our personal lives.

I submit a third classification: Chameleons.

The people who can be either leaders or followers, as needed. They’re not true leaders, they are able to emulate true leaders. They just as easily fill the role of follower.

When corporations and business people speak of being “promoted to the level of incompetence,” Chameleons are the people being promoted in these cases. Consider this: they have been promoted to a position where a role model is lacking. Chameleons can perform in nearly any role as long as there is someone to emulate. Without a role model in their present or past, they become lost.
They are not true leaders, they don’t know how to forge ahead without a blueprint.

Chameleons may show signs of Borderline Personality Disorder

I’ve been reading a book with a friend Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder (affiliate link) and I realized that Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is likely a result of a natural need for Chameleons in our environment. As a matter of fact, I submit that they are integral to our survival. They are the personalities that are able to flip from leader to follower and back again based on what roles society needs filled at that time.

Currently, individualism is revered, I suspect many Chameleons are feeling lost and afraid because they are uncomfortable with finding their individualism.

Individualism doesn’t feel natural to a Chameleon. In reading the book, I realize I know several people who could easily fall within a BPD diagnosis. I have amazing stories of people in my life who have elicited Chameleon-like behavior. Stories that made no sense until I read the book about BPD and began to understand the personality traits involved.

I’m not suggesting that all Chameleon’s would be diagnosed with BPD, like any positive or negative trait, there are variances in the intensity of the behavior, just like there are variances in shades of hair color.

I wonder how self-perception may improve for individuals diagnosed with BPD, if they understood their true purpose was for a greater good?

Perhaps society wil realize that being a good follower is just as important as knowing how to lead, because one role would not exist without the other. I wonder when, and if, society will recognize Chameleons and the role they fulfill within our natural order.

Photo Credit

Rick Mercer of the Mercer Report interviews Mississauga Mayor Hazel McCallion who is Canada’s longest running consecutive term mayor. Listen to the interview to marvel at her gumption, experience and brilliance. Read more about this dynamo they refer to as Hurricane Hazel on wikipedia.

Thanks to Kim Kassner for bringing this video to my attention via Facebook.

The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new.

Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh

Does setting aside a day to recognize mothers suggest we don’t have to appreciate them the other 364 days of the year? Expressing gratitude for those who have helped us grow should be a regular occurrence.

Make Any Day Mother’s Day

My grandfather regularly brought the investment of my grandmother’s time and love to the family’s attention. He didn’t wait for a national day of recognition; he let us know she had sacrificed by announcing his thanks and requesting our participation. He was thankful every day. This is the way it should be, not just for mothers but for everyone who plays a valuable role in our lives. Take a minute to appreciate those people and let them know.

The Best Gifts Aren’t Bought

Personally, I believe gifts are the easy way out. It requires thinking one or two days ahead of the event. Children and husbands run out to buy flowers or something else “thoughtful” to commemorate the day. Gifts are nice once in a while, but don’t equate them with love. The gift of time or the gift of a thoughtful deed and some insightful, well considered words should mean much more. (It’s a good thing I hold this belief because I’d have been sorely disappointed most years!)

Recognize the Martyr in the Mother

An important trait to teach our offspring is consideration and compassion. The martyr complex so many mothers have developed, is not in the best interest of our children because it teaches them to take us for granted. Our children need to learn to recognize when some one else has done something to benefit them. They need to realize the rest of the world does not owe them simply because they exist. That begins at home with a simple lesson of manners. “Thank you,” is more than just a social custom, it’s a start to developing gratitude.

If you feel unappreciated by your children ask yourself these questions:
Have I served them well by not bringing my sacrifices to their attention?
Have I allowed them to take me for granted by not requesting the respect I deserve?
Have I parented in ways deserving of their respect?

Intent Matters

We learn to be good parents. Some of us start with a stronger base than others. As Rajneesh’s quote states, a mother is created when a child is born. Mother and child are learning simultaneously. Consider this: it doesn’t matter how many mistakes a mother makes, what matters is intent.

As a child, take the time to thank your mother for her good intentions. As a mother, take the time to explain how being a mom has impacted your life and tell your children what you’ve learned from them.

You’ll find compassionate words are a far more rewarding gift exchange and can be given any day of the year.

Happy Mother’s Day!

Although all are tempting, I chose to consider midlife, not as a crisis, but as a re-evaluation. I knew the goals my partner had were different and he was never going to help me achieve mine as long as he was living his.

I wanted simplicity and comfort. I wanted to accumulate life experiences, not possessions. Taking care of a home and children is a full time job in itself; I wanted to work less which required an equal partner.

Through the re-evaluation, I came to the cold hard realization that I was responsible for the life I was living. I have a tendency to put every one else first. My children, my husband, my clients, my friends. There was never enough time for me.

If I didn’t place myself in high regard, why should anyone else?

There needs to be a balance. As a mother, my time is equally as important as my children’s or my partners. I decided that my future focus would be finding that elusive equilibrium.

The balance between caring for my children and caring for myself.
The balance between earning an income and taking time to relax.

I decided the first step was to NOT take any additional responsibilities on in January. I wasn’t going to book anything beyond existing work. I wasn’t going to RSVP to any events. The only activities I would agree to attend would be work related, family related and self care related.

So when 31 Days of Self Care was announced as the January theme, it made sense that I should continue the tradition started with 30 Days of Thanks and 31 Days of Wishes.

The fact that Stacy Brice is organizing a book salon and coordinating the reading & discussion of Cheryl Richardson’s Take Time for Your Life is brilliant. It makes sense for me to join in right now.

But wait a second…. didn’t I promise myself no more responsibilities this month? Although this would constitute self care, I’ve already committed to two exercise classes.

I need downtime. No additional pulling on my limited time. Although the book is about finding time to care for yourself, by agreeing to participate I’m shifting my priorities again. So this time I must pass, but only because it’s what I need to do to take care of myself properly.

31 Days of Self Care is still on my mind. I plan to do something every day for myself. I’ll read the book sometime soon, but when the timing works for me. I don’t have to do everything NOW. Sometimes less is more.

The best thing I can do for myself is to give myself time to adapt to the upcoming changes in my life. The time to think and process events. The time to plan for my future.

It’s time to take care of myself.

If you’d like to participate in 31 Days of Self Care – head on over to www.31daysofSelfCare.com for the details.

Goodbye 2009.

Hello 2010!

I have never looked more forward to seeing the calendar page turned, as I am this year. Judging by the comments from friends, both online and off, I’m not the only one.

This past year has been a challenging one collectively and privately. I’ve seen more unemployed friends than ever before. Those who are working are still struggling financially to make ends meet. I’ve seen much depression and sadness. I don’t believe it comes from a single year of challenges, it’s been building and people are getting worn down.

Despite strenuous times, I’ve also seen jobs become available, I’ve seen businesses created and hope propagated. Communication and collaboration have spawned in previously unseen places. It’s the best of times, it’s the worst of times.

Decades ago, I began the process of journal writing on New Year’s Eve. I’d summarize the previous year’s events and set goals – or wishes – for the incoming year. When I began the tradition, I was full of hope for my future but somewhere several years ago, I stopped corresponding about each incoming term. I lost the heart to keep writing year after year, without seeing MY personal goals materialize. I had helped others achieve theirs but my life remained stagnant. Today, I plan to find that journal and begin to dream again.

My wish for this final blog post of 31 Days of Wishes is for improved change in 2010.  I want signs that the economy is on the upswing and that everyone’s quality of life is improving.

There are two special mentions I’d like to send focused wish karma to for 2010.

The first is Operation Kid Equip. I had the pleasure of chatting with one of the organization’s founders, Menachem Kniespeck yesterday and was blown away with his dedication and passion for the organization. Operation Kid Equip’s purpose is to provide school supplies to children who don’t have any, due to financial shortfalls in their families. In a few short years, volunteers have built the non-profit organization and are providing access to school supplies for a significant number of children.

I wish more people would step up and donate to this worthy cause. I wish him lots of publicity and more corporate sponsors. If you’d like to help, school supplies are appreciated but money is preferred. Menachem has managed to get discounted pricing on the supplies they buy, so the dollars go further.

Education can help end the cycle of poverty and here is an organization working on behalf of the community. Helping kids improves the future of our area, and ultimately, will help us all.

The second good karma wish goes out to a personal friend and her husband. She began as a client but somehow evolved into a friend over the years. I’m not even sure when it happened, although I’ll never forget when I realized it.

We were getting ready to move from Ohio to Michigan and had put an offer in on our current home. The seller wanted us to close a month earlier than our property in Ohio was scheduled to close. We didn’t have the savings to carry two mortgages for a month and were coming up short. I explained this financial fiasco during a business lunch. Later that day I received a call from my friend. She’d talked with her husband and they offered to loan us $10,000 so we could carry both houses for a month. No strings. Just take it and pay it back when our Ohio home closed.

I cried.

Not from the relief of a problem resolved but from the honor of the trust she was bestowing upon me.

Now she and her husband need a break. The last few years have seen a chain of bad luck and I’m watching my friend getting worn down. All I can do is tell her I’m here for her. My ear and my shoulder are available, perhaps I can offer a laugh or two. My house is always open for as long as she needs it.

So for my friend, I wish a year of improved change and a strong sense of renewed hope that things WILL get better.

2010 will begin a decade of improved change. I’m sure of it.

If you’d like to participate in 31 Days of Wishes – head on over to www.31daysofwishes.com for the details. Take a brief moment to wish with others. Perhaps the united message will make a difference in someone’s life.

As I face my new career rush, I’m wondering how I’ll maintain my personal and parental responsibilities, and make it through a divorce with my mental health intact. I’ve come to the realization that being able to “bring home the bacon, fry it up in the pan and never, ever let him forget he’s a man” was a load of bull crap. We can’t do it all – that’s why we have partners.

Marriage is supposed to be a partnership between two people working towards the common goals. When this doesn’t occur the marriage breaks down, or results in the unhappiness of one or both partners.

Video:

When I think back to that Enjoli commercial, I can’t help but realize the media had an impact on my hopes and dreams. I thought I could be Superwoman and do it all. I suppose I still can, I can do anything I set my mind to but it’s not going to be as easy as I first thought. Doing it all is less important to me than finding balance in all areas of my life. Being Superwoman now means being happy and managing the responsibilities I choose for my life.

I recommend going back and watching some of those old commercials. If you were alive when they were on television, you’ll be surprised you were so accepting of them back then. I highly recommend reading one of my all-time favorite posts by Diane Guercio ( @heyamaretto on twitter) called “You’ve come a long way baby but you’re coffee still sucks.” Although you may think it’s because she mentions a conversation with me, the real reason I love that article is the awesome collection of old, sexist commercials and her insightful thoughts on them.

And for the record…. I don’t fry my bacon anymore. I wrap it around scallops and grill to perfection. Sometimes you just have to adapt old recipes to suit your own personal taste.

Image by fotoosvanrobin

I listened as each brilliant guest shared thoughts and life experiences varying from large corporate environments to military, politics and religion. Each was insightful, interesting and included visions I may have never considered myself.

I felt like a speck of dust amongst giants. I didn’t have any interesting stories, nor any exotic life experiences to share, my thoughts felt too simple. I felt like a Who from Who-ville, singing with simplicity because I know what is true for me.

After a brief overview of previous sessions on “Tell the Truth” and an interesting discussion on ” No Attachment to Outcome”, we discussed “Do Justice” and what it meant to each of us.

In my elementariness, it doesn’t make any difference whether we’re applying the definitions to our personal or business lives.

We must tell the truth.
Telling the truth is true freedom. Gone are the shackles of remorse and guilt.

No attachment to outcome.
This doesn’t mean you’re not invested in the outcome, it means you realize things may change. Every day is a journey and we need to be flexible in our approach. The reality is, people and circumstances don’t always reveal the truth, so the right path for a company or a person may not be immediately clear. As new information becomes available, the outcome you chose may change. I’ve learned this lesson hard and fast in the past year.

Do Justice.
Justice is defined as the quality of being just or fair. In other words, doing the “right” thing, but do we know what that is in every situation? No, because we don’t always have all the information. When we don’t have an attachment to outcome we’re able to research and listen from a neutral place. If we’re living truthful lives, there are no shackles of pain and guilt to warp our views. Therefore we’re able to make decisions based on what’s best rather than having the truth bounce off our protective shields.

In order to be just we must be truthful and we must give up attachment to outcome, we need to do the right thing regardless of expected outcome.

In my tiny speck of a world the answers are easy, just do your best with the information you have, and if necessary adjust the path you’re on until it feels right.

Does anybody hear me?

First, let me say, that I agree with everything Scott said. I operated my business while staying home with my kids, but rarely did my clients ever hear them. I didn’t advertise that I was a WAHM (work at home mom), I refered to myself as self-employed. Why? There is a stigma attached to being a WAHM, an unwritten belief that if you’ve made nurturing your children a priority, you are somehow less of a business person.

I don’t take issue with Scott, I take issue with a society that holds onto these false perceptions, being a WAHM is NOT a detriment to business. It’s the age old consideration of whether the sippy cup is half full or half empty.

Consider these myths that many still regard as truths:

1. Children get in the way of doing business.
   Staying home with my children was the most difficult job I ever had. Staying home with my kids while balancing a full time career was even more difficult. Women who balance the needs of their family with the needs of clients ought to be applauded. Already they’ve proven they are exceptional multi-taskers. Scott mentions Virtual Assistants (VA’s), along with the ability to quickly prioritize tasks, multi-tasking is one of the most important skills to possess in that industry.
2. WAHMs won’t be as focused on the client’s business.
   Being a WAHM requires determination and long hours. Taking care of children, cooking and cleaning is WORK. Mothers, whether they work inside or outside of the home, perform two jobs. They’re dedicated, they’re reliable. Many of them may take time to run to school during business hours but they are also available after 9 pm when there’s that rush job the client forgot. There is flexibility in their hours that you won’t find elsewhere.
3. Being a WAHM is not about doing business
   We are whole people. Not parts. I am self-employed and I am a mother, both of those jobs are very important to me and how I handle my entire life speaks volumes about my character. Living a balanced life makes me a better business partner, so yes, if being a SAHM enhances who I am, then it will benefit YOUR business.

We, as a society, need to stop considering parenthood as being an interruption on the road to success! Balancing parenthood while working from home enhances skills – we shouldn’t be hiding that, we should be shouting it from the rooftops. The women who are openly saying they are WAHMs should be thanked, because it’s their skills and abilities that will prove to society that employing a WAHM is a benefit rather than a detriment to any business fortunate enough to work with them.