I watched a show on the news last night and was appalled; people are actually paying money for surgery on their feet so they can then spend more money on shoes. Now aside from the fact this makes no financial sense, why would anyone undergo the risk of surgery just to wear trendy shoes? I am just as disgusted to see beautiful older women getting facelifts and small breasted women enlarging their A & B cup sizes to “freakishly large.” Post-op, those previously beautiful starlets, look distorted and fake while the big boobed babe has taken the term “bounce in your step” to a whole new level while out running.

In a Barbie World…

Think about this: how exciting is a world where every woman looks like Barbie and every man like Ken? All of a sudden the short, small chested, birkenstock wearing brunette with the long second toe will be the toast of the town. Why? Because she’s NOT the norm.

It’s those idiosyncrasies that make us unique and allow us to find just the “right” person for us. What if instead of focusing on what you consider negatives, you take the time to realize your positives? What are they? Hair, smile? How about going a little deeper? Sense of humor? Intelligence? Whatever your shortcomings, you have strengths that are far more important than what you think you don’t have.

Create your own idea of beauty.

Mine is internal, I don’t care how someone looks, it’s their soul I’m interested in. My whole adult life, I’ve struggled with weight. I wanted to be thin, I wanted to look hot in the latest-made-for-size-2-fashions, but I’ve finally made peace with myself because I realized something…. my weight struggles have taught me important lessons.

I learned that not everything is easy. I learned that being judged is a fantastic way to siphon the shallow people out of my life. I learned to be empathic to other people’s struggles and to not judge what I’ve never experienced personally. I’ve learned that sometimes there are invisible forces that impact lives. I’ve learned to see beyond what advertisers tell us is beautiful and now see beauty in everything.

I’ll never understand why people turn themselves inside out to accommodate an unrealistic definition of beauty perpetuated by companies to increase their bottom line. Instead, I’d prefer to do business with a company trying to accommodate me. I would pay more for sexy shoes that were comfortable on my non-surgically enhanced feet…. but until then…. I’ll just wear them laying down.

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In the article she says, “Forget Generation X or Y, how about calling us Generation E, for Exhausted!”

So true. I was born on the tail end of the Baby Boomer generation or the start of Generation X depending on what article you’re reading. The generation I hail from doesn’t really matter, I’m too tired to care.

Yes, I thought I could do it all, I was fortunate to have the opportunity.

Women know they have to work harder than their male counterparts, in order to move forward, we’ve accepted it and taken on everything they chose not to. At the same time as working harder for the same credit, often in an office AND at home, we’re trying to grab life by the kahunas and experience as much as we possibly can, while looking absolutely fabulous doing it.

Not sure about you, but finding the time to spend polishing nails and styling hair is a challenge, in and of, itself. It’s a challenge for me personally because having perfect nails and hair is not on my high priority list. Keeping a roof over my children’s head and food on their table is.

“Our patterns, habits and beliefs as 21st century women have been formed based on valuing ourselves by what we can do instead of by who we are, regardless of what we accomplish. If we ever hope to have lives that sustain us versus drain us, we must rewire our thought patterns and change what we value,” says Arylo.

Agree. Appearances are way too important. Unfortunately, as women we perpetuate that notion.

I remember being alone with two small children trying to manage for weeks at a time without any support and no breaks. I was “doing it all.” Looking for some support from the women around me, I asked how they managed to care for their children physically, emotionally & developmentally, while taking care of the house and themselves. I was having trouble getting a shower by myself. Rather than walking away feeling supported, I walked away feeling inferior. These women could do it all, and they could do it before noon.

What I learned later, and what they’d neglected to share, was they had a strong support system. Someone who covered for them while they accomplished their tasks. A person who gave them a break. It was more important for them to share how fabulous they were than to emotionally support a fellow struggling mother. They needed to look like they were doing it all. By themselves.

The only part of Arylo’s article in which I disagree is her recommendations for 2 of her 3 acts of self-love.
She says, “Stop looking for sympathy and acknowledgment for your busyness.”

Certainly, I know there are women out there who, like the mothers I mentioned above, are saying one thing and doing another. There are women (and men) who talk and perform tasks for the simple pleasure of the attention they will receive for having done them. I am not one such person, so that statement is insulting.

I have prioritized my life in the way I see as the best choice for my family. Sometimes those priorities have to be a “yes” for survival. Sometimes saying no is ridiculous. “Excuse me Mr. Bear but you can’t maul me today as this is my “self-love” time and I have chosen to skip through this beautiful forest. We’ll just have to schedule that for another day.”

The reality of our current economy is that some of us have to work as hard as we are for a reason other than impressing our friends. Some of us are trying to right previous wrongs, fix mistakes and move forward. If you’ve ever paddled a boat, you need to paddle harder when you first change direction. Unfortunately, lives take a little longer than a kayak to turn around.

Her second piece of advice was to “Stop acknowledging other women for their super human feats of multi-tasking.”

Wow. Tough love. Don’t you think women have been doing that to each other already for generations?

Arylo goes on to say, “instead of congratulating or commiserating with her, either ignore the invitation to collude, or invite her to put less pressure on herself by sharing your personal experience of transforming your own overwhelm into self-love.”

May I respectfully suggest instead of potentially adding to her negative self-feelings, you might perhaps question her a little to HELP her determine if she is truly overwhelmed or just prioritizing inefficiently? How about offering her some assistance as part of your self-love? “Many hands make light work.” The above approach only serves to divide us.

The best advice in the article was, “…close your eyes and ask yourself what you really need that day to take care of yourself.”

Although it may sound like I take issue with Christine Arylo’s article, I don’t truly. Her message is an important one. Women should love themselves more, but we increase our chances of loving ourselves when we stop judging others and appreciate them instead.

Arylo wrote an excellent piece overall, her 2 bits of advice were two small items in an issue that has been gaining momentum in my irritation department. It’s a little used room in my brain, I typically don’t go there often, but every once in a while all hallways seem to lead me to it’s door. Probably because I haven’t had a day off in 2+ months. I kept trying to take time for myself but possible income overrules a day off – every time – at least until I have a financial security blanket to crawl under.

One of the precursors to my irritation was a Facebook status update by one of my favorite people in Michigan. This particular man is known for his kindness, consideration and extreme efforts to help others, so I was taken aback by his post. He was essentially admonishing people for using the excuse of being busy to not get something done. He said it was lame.

By whose standards?

When people say they’re too busy to do something what they’re really saying is, “Your project/event is not high enough on my priority list for me to participate in/attend.” That should be good enough. It’s not our place to judge another person’s priorities.

As each of us rushes to make our mark on this world, in this economy, it seems that harsh judgements are becoming prevalent. Do your fellow humans a favor, whether male or female; give them the benefit of the doubt. Some of us are doing our best, with what we have, and your judgements sting.

I am happy your lives are comfortable enough to afford you some choices, or some flexibility in your prioritization department, but please don’t judge my life by the same standards. Our lives and experiences are different!

Instead, use that extra time to ask questions and develop an understanding. We need to start loving each other more freely, if we ever hope to truly love ourselves.

Thank you to @VAnetowrking for bringing the article No Matter How Much I Do, It’s Never Enough… How To Be Happy Regardless Of How Much You Accomplish to my attention via Facebook.

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And yet, we refer to people as “leaders” and “followers.” This isn’t just in business, but also in our personal lives.

I submit a third classification: Chameleons.

The people who can be either leaders or followers, as needed. They’re not true leaders, they are able to emulate true leaders. They just as easily fill the role of follower.

When corporations and business people speak of being “promoted to the level of incompetence,” Chameleons are the people being promoted in these cases. Consider this: they have been promoted to a position where a role model is lacking. Chameleons can perform in nearly any role as long as there is someone to emulate. Without a role model in their present or past, they become lost.
They are not true leaders, they don’t know how to forge ahead without a blueprint.

Chameleons may show signs of Borderline Personality Disorder

I’ve been reading a book with a friend Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder (affiliate link) and I realized that Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is likely a result of a natural need for Chameleons in our environment. As a matter of fact, I submit that they are integral to our survival. They are the personalities that are able to flip from leader to follower and back again based on what roles society needs filled at that time.

Currently, individualism is revered, I suspect many Chameleons are feeling lost and afraid because they are uncomfortable with finding their individualism.

Individualism doesn’t feel natural to a Chameleon. In reading the book, I realize I know several people who could easily fall within a BPD diagnosis. I have amazing stories of people in my life who have elicited Chameleon-like behavior. Stories that made no sense until I read the book about BPD and began to understand the personality traits involved.

I’m not suggesting that all Chameleon’s would be diagnosed with BPD, like any positive or negative trait, there are variances in the intensity of the behavior, just like there are variances in shades of hair color.

I wonder how self-perception may improve for individuals diagnosed with BPD, if they understood their true purpose was for a greater good?

Perhaps society wil realize that being a good follower is just as important as knowing how to lead, because one role would not exist without the other. I wonder when, and if, society will recognize Chameleons and the role they fulfill within our natural order.

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I’ve been exceptional at putting everything and everyone ahead of my own health. As a matter of fact, I have always struggled to prioritize fitness goals into my daily routine. The only exception was a few years ago when I found myself working part-time while my children were in school full-time; I consistently ran trails for a year and a half and I LOVED it.

Over the past seventeen years I was busy taking care of:

• my baby
• another baby
• a couple of relocations
• my clients needs…

…everything and everybody came ahead of me. Initially, it may have been aversion, then unhappiness and finally just being overwhelmed by my responsibilities and aloneness.

While waiting to begin the 5k, I had the full intention of running the entire race. At worst I’d run close to 2 miles before having to walk a little.

I turned my iPod down to make sure I heard the starting gun, and clipped it to my pants. The gun went off, I moved into the crowd not really caring what my position was in relation to anyone else. I clicked the iPod so the Nike pedometer would record my mileage.

I noticed I was ahead of a woman who I chatted with while waiting. Like me, she was not in the best shape but she had been working with a personal trainer who recommended she participate in this run. She was running slower than I, which made me momentarily pleased I wouldn’t be last to the finish line.

I was distracted and irritated with my iPod, I couldn’t roll my fingers around the circular face to increase sound; the plastic cover was reducing sensitivity. I tried, and kept accidentally shutting it off, I finally unclipped it and realized I’d also shut the off the pedometer in my fumbling. I’d run nearly 3/4 of a mile that would be unaccounted for on my personal tracking system. To add insult to injury, I was out of breath; I had been holding it while concentrating on the iPod.

I ran a little further and then slowed to a walk to quiet my struggling heart. The even breathing took a while, the self-disappointment did not. I wasn’t in the running headspace even after getting the music to play. I was frustrated because once again I allowed everything else to take precedence over what I planned to do. I wanted to train. I wanted to run the entire 5k. Why couldn’t I? I was mentally prepared but my body wasn’t cooperating.

I thought back to when I was running before. I had to walk before I ran. I started with one minute increments and worked up to 5 miles! I stopped two years ago and I was expecting to be able to just do it? No matter how positive my thinking, I had to build the strength and stamina to follow through with my good intentions.

When my breathing steadied I ran some more and began to enjoy the path, trees and the fact I was outside, doing something positive for myself. When I slowed down to walk again I’d acquiesced and accepted my limitations. I was even thankful. If I were to go back in time 3 months or 18 years, would I prioritize differently? No. Given the support I had and the time available, I’d still make the same choices. This realization allowed me to stop being hard on myself and instead provided emotional security that I’d done the best I could.

I ran to a fork in the road and was directed right, within minutes the finish line was in view, I had been directed the wrong way! I turned around and ran the same path back to the fork, where the attendant apologized. I didn’t mind. In fact, I was happy to come up behind the woman I had chatted with previously, she was now ahead of me. Was I in the last position? It didn’t matter, I was out doing this for myself.

Running had gotten easier on my heart rate and breathing but the stone path made the soles of my feet feel like I was running barefoot on sharp rocks. I walked/ran while chatting with my new friend. We completed the last of the race together and crossed the finish line simultaneously. I don’t know if we were last and I don’t care. I noted the time (48 minutes) and made a mental note to improve on it.

I decided to cut myself some slack and consider the whole picture. There are many other areas in my life that I have found success because I invested the time. If I want to take care of myself, I need to prioritize my life so that my health takes precedence. I’m doing more than I was, it takes small steps to make long-term changes.

This 5k wasn’t a failure, it was a baseline. A starting point to compare my abilities to next year when I will run the entire race. In the past I prioritized my life in certain ways for very good reasons, those reasons haven’t changed. I’m proud of the time I invested in my children, my company, and my education. I will always put my children first because THAT makes me happiest.

I’ll walk with purpose and run in increments. When my breathing is regulated and all feels well, I’ll run a full 5k – with attitude!

There’s no longer a need to double back, I’m going in the right direction at a speed that is best for me.

If only that car in front of you would hurry up so you can get to work on time.

If only your spouse would do a better job parenting the children.

If only your employees would quit taking advantage.

How many times have you felt your blood pressure rise, how many times have you repeated yourself? Nicely… and then less than nice? Perhaps even displayed unbridled anger?

If you make statements like the above, you probably have control issues. Most of us do. When something isn’t going the way we think it should, we look outside ourselves and try to make others change in order to make our lives easier.

• Intimidate that person in front of us to drive faster by riding their bumper.
• Tell your spouse how to parent the children.
• Feel your blood pressure rise every time you have to interact with THAT employee.

The reality is you are actually giving away your control AND your happiness.

It isn’t until we take responsibility for ourselves and give up trying to change the behavior of others that we are truly in control of our daily lives and our destiny.

Consider thinking about the above statements from this viewpoint:

I will leave the house earlier so I can arrive to work relaxed.

I will discuss positive parenting techniques with my spouse, we’ll agree to each parent our children to the best of our individual abilities.

I will create clear measurable expectations for my employees so that I can evaluate their performance effectively.

You can only control

1. yourself
2. what you are willing to accept from others

Once you take responsibility for your part in the interaction, you can clearly communicate your expectations and/or needs. If your expectations and needs are not being met, accept their position or move on. As long as you allow others to affect your mood or your day, they have the control – not you.

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I’ve spent much of the past couple years looking behind and evaluating. The current year has been a period of looking forward to make future plans. Helen’s death stopped me in my tracks and I began to evaluate this moment of time in my life.

When I met her I was a young teenager, she seemed so much older and mature. She was a single mom, working hard to take care of her children. At her visitation, I was surrounded by people I’ve loved for the past 30 years and came to the stunning realization that Helen was approximately my age when I met her. The prospect of my long life shortened because it could now be measured by her life.

I began to look around at all my long-time friends and wondered, “Is this the beginning of the middle?” The stage in life where best friends, who have gone in different directions, begin to gather for the funerals that inevitably appear in our lives as we reach mid-life.

I also found myself stuck in the middle emotionally. I loved Helen like family and yet I wasn’t.

The most intense times for me tend to create an awareness that I need to “get through.” I allow the emotion to percolate slowly by keeping too busy to think and then in a quiet moment I let some of the feeling surface. I repeat this until I can handle the pain in it’s entirety. It’s how I’ve learned to cope.

I haven’t had much contact with Helen recently. She was dealing with a lot of physical pain and was surrounded by her family. The day I was told she was passing, I was unable to talk to her, a throat infection had stolen my voice. Truth be told, it was recompense for my phone aversion. I had difficulty calling her because I knew I couldn’t talk without crying. Insufficient strength is distressing for me, so I avoided it. I was assauged in the knowledge she had the best care possible. Instead I cherish the short time I spent with her on a visit last May.

I wasn’t born into her family but I was welcomed like a foster child. Her children are very much my brother and sisters in the way I love them. So there I sat at the funeral, feeling like I had lost a family member but unable to verbalize the emotion of having one foot in the family and one foot outside of it.

Stuck in the middle but surrounded & blessed by the people in my life. I love you Helen.

Whether it’s a coworker, family or friend, you probably know a bull but don’t recognize it as such. You may even be the bull!

Here are three tell-tale signs you’re dealing with a bull:

1. Any request for a change in behavior turns into an argument unless you back down.
2. There’s no rational reasoning to points made when the discussion is emotionally charged.
3. You have difficulty finding a resolution every time there is a difference of opinion.

You may assume the bull is a dumb animal, one that can’t stay focused. Or you may assume the bull lets anger take over the natural thought process and can’t think clearly, but you’d be wrong. The bull is a lot smarter than you think.

Consider this:

• How many times have you walked away from the argument because you’re too frustrated to continue?
• How many times have you been run off topic and forgotten the initial point of the discussion?
• How many times have you been left emotionally bleeding in the dirt when you thought the disagreement was minor?
• How many times have you not bothered to state your case because it’s just not worth the effort?

If any of those points ring true for you, you’re dealing with an intelligent bull. The bull doesn’t want to be challenged, it just wants to live life as it chooses regardless of how it affects you. The bull wants you to give up because it doesn’t want to accept any responsibility for it’s own behavior.

Bull tactics:

• Refusing to Leave the Gate: Feigning ignorance and non-understanding. No matter how many times you describe something, the bull still doesn’t get what you’re saying. Stubbornness is intended to make you give up.
• Freight Trained: The bull runs you straight into a wall with accusatory statements. You will be so shocked by this offensive tactic that you end up defending yourself instead of trying to find a resolution to the initial issue. The issues you are being accused of need not be true or accurate, the tactic is to throw you off balance by using your own fear or indignation against you.
• Rag Doll: Much less obvious but still emotionally intense. You’ve been dragged around the ring. Typically involves accusations, tears or requests for pity. You may be called “mean” and “uncaring” although there is obvious evidence to the contrary. You’ll find yourself feeling guilty despite your right to have an opinion and feelings. Exceptionally smart bulls successfully employ this method even when you are the one who has been wronged. You back down because you don’t want to be the cause of any more pain.
• The Buck Off: Topic Changes mid-discussion, particularly about previously emotionally charged issues that you thought were resolved. Watch closely, when this happens you are likely getting close to a resolution and the topic change is a last ditch effort to stop it from happening.
• Swapping Ends: So many reversals in the conversation you begin to feel like you’re trying to pin jello to a wall. This can be multiple back-to-back buck offs or it can be the sarcastic agreement meant to discontinue the conversation. If this technique works, expect the subject matter to be used against you in the future. It’s perfect fodder for a future buck off.

Find the sweet spot on the bull’s back and bear down to keep the discussion on topic with these successful bull riding tips:

1. Remain calm despite the fear, anxiety & anger. Do not allow negative emotions to throw you off balance.
2. When the bull tries to veer to the right or left, bring it back to center by reminding it of the purpose of the interaction.
3. When the bull throws unrelated issues at you, tell it you will discuss those issues after the current topic is resolved.

The bull’s entire purpose is to get you off it’s back.
By remaining calm, respectful and firmly on topic, the bull will be forced to hear and respond to your point of view. If you’re dealing with a true fighting bull, the ride is not going to be easy, particularly if you’ve enabled the success of it’s techniques in the past.

When bull riding, injuries and subsequent scars are inevitable. There may come a time when you begin to evaluate the possibility of bailing out of the situation. Determine if the constant challenge is worth the reward; because even champions eventually retire.

When you’re on that bull, eight seconds is a lifetime.

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One of my shortcomings was my behavior in certain areas of my life, particularly when it came to putting everyone else first. Instead of playing the role of the Queen, I chose the role of Martyr – and we all know how that story ends. I placed myself on unequal footing from the outset of my adult life. What I’ve learned, is that no matter how deserving of equality we are, there are those that will never offer fairness until it’s demanded. Equality is a right. If you are in a situation where your personal or business relationship is not fair, consider how you are enabling the inequality.

Consider reading Queen of Your Own Life: The Grown-Up Woman’s Guide to Claiming Happiness and Getting the Life You Deserve by Kathy Kinney and Cindy Ratzlaff. (affiliate link) They offer women advice on how to value themselves. I enjoyed reading the entire book and discovered I was well on my way up the red carpet to coronation.

Thanks to Stacy Brice for the invitation to this book salon and to her many “Days” projects. Catch up with her on Facebook if you’d like to be a part of her next book salon or monthly project.

“How CAN I make this work?”
“What can I do differently?”
“How important is this to me?”
“How hard am I willing to work?”

Consider anything possible with the right plan and a positive attitude. By asking questions rather than conceding defeat, previously unimaginable answers will be presented and your roadblocks will dissipate. Lean on your partner when you need to, and allow your partner to lean on you. If you both work at it, you’ll be stronger together than you are individually.

After an accident, the dancer in the video below, probably thought she’d never dance again. Driven by her passion, she reconsidered her challenges by asking questions and finding the solutions. The result? She and her partner have created a dance more beautiful than any I’ve seen before.

You can learn more about the contest and dance from the CCTV International site.

Here is the story that arrived in my inbox with the video, can anyone corroborate it?

In a Chinese modern dance competition on TV, one very unique couple won one of the top prizes. The lady, in her 30′s, was a dancer who had trained since she was a little girl. Later in life, she lost her entire left arm in an accident and fell into a state of depression for a few years. Someone then asked her to coach a children’s dancing group. From that point on, she realized that she could not forget dancing. She still loved to dance and wanted to dance again. So, she started to do some of her old routines, but, having lost her arm, she had also lost her balance. It took a while before she could even make simple turns and spins without falling. Then she heard of a man in his 20s who had lost a leg in an accident. He had also fallen into the usual denial, depression and anger, a type of emotional roller coaster. But, she was determined to find him and persuade him to dance with her. He had never danced, and to dance with one leg…are you joking with me? “No way!” But, she didn’t give up, and he reluctantly agreed thinking, “I have nothing else to do anyway.” She started to teach him dancing. The two broke up a few times because he had no concept of using his muscle, how to control his body, and knew none of the basic things about dancing. When she became frustrated and lost patience with him, he would walk out. Eventually, they came back together and started training seriously. They hired a choreographer to design routines for them. She would fly high (held by him) with both arms (a sleeve for an arm) flying in the air. He could bend horizontally supported by one leg with her leaning on him, etc. In the competition, as you will see, they dance beautifully and they legitimately won the competition.”

Today I read this:

“I am inspired by the regal self-assurance of this town, so grounded and rounded, so amused and monumental, knowing that she is held securely in the palm of history. I would like to be Rome when I am an old lady.”
~ Chapter 25 of eat, pray, love by Elizabeth Gilbert

Up until recently, I thought I was Rome. I believed if I chose my responses and reasons with the highest intentions, I would build a strong history that could not be disputed. My loved ones would realize I always considered their needs ahead of mine.

I was consistent.

I was solid.

I remained true and never let jealousy, pettiness, or selfishness affect my decisions.

What I failed to recognize was, if they had not insightfully abandoned those same self-serving traits, their selfishness would never allow them to acknowledge my selflessness.

Instead history became clay to be manipulated.

Although they know the truth, unlike Rome, I don’t have volumes of proof, I only have the certainty of my own convictions and the wonderment that the truth is buried deep within their hearts.

At a young age, I learned a very hard lesson. It was important to treat people with the love and respect they deserved. My great grandmother loved me. She was always kind, always helpful, she read to me, loved me and listened like no one else. I wanted her to know how much I loved and respected her.

I was barely into the double digits when I did something out of character. I had a temper tantrum. I don’t remember why, other than it was insignificant. I do clearly recall laying on her bed flailing my hands and kicking my legs. I connected with her several times while she tried to calm me down.

Afterwards, I was ashamed and embarrassed. I’m not even sure if I apologized. When she died shortly thereafter, rather than remembering all the wonderful times we’d had together, my memories were tarnished with shame and guilt instead.

It was a monumental life lesson.

Years later, I let go of the negative associations because I realized my great grandmother would never have judged me based on that one incident. She would have loved me regardless, she’d have forgiven me quickly. I had allowed my guilt to rewrite our history into something negative.

My history is being rewritten by others to allow themselves to feel better about current events, to cut apron strings and – hopefully – to result in personal growth.

No matter how painful it is in the moment, there is a missing piece I need to garner from Rome:

“Rome just watches all the fussing and striving, completely unfazed, exuding an air like: Hey – do whatever you want, but I’m still Rome.”
~ Chapter 25 of eat, pray, love by Elizabeth Gilbert

People can burn down buildings but a strong foundation continues to exist beneath the ashes waiting to be discovered again. History can be rewritten but the markers of time remain.

“Say whatever you want, but I’ve always done the best for you.”