Last week Benchmark Email contacted me and asked if I would guest post on their blog in honor of Mother’s Day. I thought their “Mothers on Marketing” series would be appropriate content to link to from this site. Benchmark Email offers online email delivery software for a monthly fee.

You can read my guest post here.

I am neither an avowed Republican or Democrat. I’m new to voting in the USA and certain policies on both sides of the political divide disgust me, but I have a particular distaste for the journalists who push their own agendas. As a viewer, I want impartial reporting, but that seems to be non-existent. Where is the equality, fairness and compassion for our fellow human beings? Is it necessary to try to crush the spirit of people who have a difference of opinion from our own? What happened to respectful debate?

We should be celebrating women this month, instead Rush Limbaugh has proven that even intelligent people continue to stereotype us. And Bill Maher considers sexist name calling a respectable form of humor in our society. It’s not acceptable to belittle any human being as comedy or to make a point. Women just seem to be easier targets, and until it becomes universally UNacceptable, it won’t end.

The following video brought tears to my eyes. It’s created by a company called Somoo Publishing, they create interactive online courses and their videos are brilliant teaching tools. I would consider going back to school with an online course like this one.

It seems the only way to get men and society to change is to stand up to them by putting them on mute. They are welcome to continue spouting their first amendment rights, but that doesn’t mean I have to listen to them.

Let’s take a “Bad Romance” lesson from Soomu and the suffragettes. If we don’t like the way we’re being treated, we can organize ourselves to make a solid point.

Can’t see the video? Click here.

Thanks Marya for the video share!

1. Be consistent.
   No matter how tired or fed up you are, consistency is key for long-term parenting ease. The less consistent you are with your children, the harder it will become to parent them in the future.  Learn to be consistent when your children are young.  If you say you’re going to do something, do it.  By the same token, never threaten anything that you can’t or don’t want to carry out.  This doesn’t just apply to discipline! It teaches children that it’s important to think about what is said first and that your word can be solidly relied upon. Consistency makes them feel safe.
2. Be positive.
   My basic behaviorist code is four positives for every negative. With a toddler or a small child, you may feel as though you are saying “NO!” all the time. It doesn’t have to be so negative; consider what you choose to focus on. Make an effort to find what the child is doing right.  Sitting still? Praise him or her. Walking along the table edge? Talk about fantastic balancing skills. With older children it’s easier and just as important. Tell them what you love about them, tell them why you expect certain behaviors (they’re intelligent, they’re analytical, they’re street smart) before you explain what you’d like to see changed. Let them know they are better than their mistakes, and can make better choices next time.  Both instances teach your child you believe in their abilities. Both instances give them the self-esteem to know they can do better.  Only focusing on the negative is a confidence stealer and leads to children who won’t bother to make an effort to improve. Focusing on the positive is difficult and feels weird at first, especially if it was not how you were raised. Practice makes it comfortable, and you’ll see the difference in your child after you’re able to include positivity consistently.
3. No response is still a response.
   I see this all the time among parents and children.  One or the other doesn’t want to let the other down.  They don’t want confrontation, so they stand and say nothing, as though the eyes can independently pass on the message.  It doesn’t work that way, the person on the other end of the gaze will read what they choose into the message.  Be clear and use your words to communicate.  
4. Respect.
   Parents demand respect from children, but is it offered in return? Respect should work two ways. The best way for a child to learn respect is to experience it and to see you model it with them. Children should not be treated like second class citizens; their concerns, fears, and triumphs should be celebrated and considered with equal attention.
5. Listen.
   You need to be heard, and so do your children. Listen to their achievements and their arguments. Let them know you’ve heard what they said clearly by paraphrasing it back to them.  In a discipline situation, once you let them know you’re clear on their point, they can no longer argue, “You don’t understand!” Once you’ve confirmed understanding, there is no reason to continue to belabor a point and you can cut discussion short.
6. Be fair.
   Are you fair with your children? Do you give them equal respect, equal consideration and equal time? Keep your frustration in check to ensure that your child gets a proper “hearing.” There is a time and a place for “adult rules” versus “kid rules” but don’t think you’re fooling anyone if your rules have been created for the sole purpose of self-benefit. When you exhibit fairness to your children, they in turn will model it to others.  There will come a time when you expect them to be fair to you.
7. Promote Honesty.
   Many parents make this mistake! Your child is caught doing something wrong, they confess and you inflict maximum punishment.  Even criminals get off early for good behavior. There should be two levels of punishment: 1) for unacceptable behavior accompanied by lying and 2) for unacceptable behavior accompanied by truth telling.  The lighter of the two punishments goes with the honesty.  If you don’t do this, your children will lie to you to avoid the punishment and you are less likely to ever fully understand the events. If they’ve been caught, children are more likely to give an honest account of events if they know they can get a lighter sentence. Eventually, being truthful will become an automatic response.
8. Allow them to make some mistakes.
   As parents we try to direct our children away from mistakes and pain but there are important lessons to be learned from negative situations.  Rather than protecting our children from all harm, we have the ability to choose to allow certain situations to play out as learning experiences. Obviously, dangerous situations should be circumvented all the time, but allowing smaller lessons to occur will help your child generalize those lessons to larger, more defining situations. How you choose to handle this will depend on each unique situation and child.
9. Teach them gratitude.
   Please and thank you are the gateway phrases to gratitude. Begin by teaching your child proper manners. It’s more difficult to learn gratitude if a child gets everything they want all the time. Open a conversation about the differences between haves, wants, and needs. Spend time guiding an imagination session on what life would be like without “x”. This doesn’t just apply to possessions, it could apply to their school, relationships or themselves, too. If a child can experience empathy, it’s easier for them to learn gratitude. Learning to live a life with gratitude helps to combat self-negativity and depression.
10. Know when to let go.
    We want to hold onto our children their entire lives, after all, our lives revolved around them for YEARS. If we have done our parenting job correctly, there will come a time when they don’t need us. Our purpose, as parents, is to teach our children to live independently. I’m not referring to living quarters here, I’m referring to their spirit and cognitive abilities. They should be able to make their own decisions, to understand the difference between right and wrong, to take over developing their own spiritual growth. True parenting success is when they choose to ask our opinion but confidently make their own decision.
11. Live as you want them to live.
    Modeling is a very strong source of education. We copy behaviors as a way of adopting them and learning about them. This learning skill is very strong in childhood. So if you are modeling undesirable behaviors like smoking, drugs, alcoholism or unrestrained anger, you are teaching these coping mechanisms to your children. Stop fooling yourself, telling them not to do it is not enough, you need to model the appropriate behaviors yourself. Seek counseling and your child will learn that asking for help is positive and that learning at any age is possible.
12. Evolution is desirable.
    Your children are meant to be better than you. You should be teaching your children lessons you’ve learned, so your children will get a head start on all of life’s lessons. This will allow them to adapt, learn and grow. Your children are not in competition with you, each generation is meant to evolve and be better than the last. Give them permission to excel while helping them grow beyond anything you can imagine.

I don’t like my children right now.

Now that you’ve finished gasping and thinking terrible things about me – I’ll explain.

I love my kids. They’re the best thing that’s happened to me, but at times they are also the worst. Every parent has secretly thought this, and many have hidden those feelings out of guilt and remorse for thinking it.

My youngest has been sick with yet another childhood disease. He wakes up continuously throughout the night, too sick to know what he wants. Asking for reassurances, he;ll punch and kick me when I try to give them and scream hysterically when I offer him space. It is an exercise in frustration for both of us.

I know it’s temporary, and I feel badly that mommy can’t make the ouch go away, but it doesn’t change the fact that he’s extremely difficult to love at these times.

He’s stopped talking – presumably because of the painful lesions in his mouth. He screams and points instead. Put this behaviour with a typical two year old and it equals a less than desirable personality.

Normally I have the patience of Job, but without sleep I find I have to resist the temptation to join him in his juvenile flailing.

My tolerance completely disappears when his older brother finds humour in prodding the toddler into hysterics. Add this to the fact that he’s attached to my leg every waking hour while I’m trying to cook dinner, powder my nose, get dressed. The time it takes to accomplish essential household tasks increases fourfold.

My neighbour, who also has two boys eighteen months apart, tells me it’s okay not to like them. Her boys are teenagers now and she says she is very familiar with the emotion!

When relief comes in the form of my husband, I escape to spend an hour undisturbed by myself. That’s all it takes to recharge my batteries. Once I’m feeling human again the guilt kicks in and I feel terrible for being impatient when my children need me most. Besides love, I think guilt is the most common emotion a mother feels – but that’s a whole other column!

I guess I just needed time out. Perhaps it’s okay not to appreciate your children sometimes, as long as it’s their behaviour you don’t like – not them.

Photo Credit

My youngest son after eating soot from the fireplace.

Growth Spurts

I was a better parent when I didn’t have children.

My hypothetical children never tantrummed in public. They were incredibly polite. They were never out of control. They didn’t climb on the dinner table when we had company. They were model citizens in restaurants. Nothing escaped my eagle eye.

After visits by family and friends who have children, my husband and I would lay in bed discussing what we would do differently. Our children were perfect.

Now that we have some of our own, I’ve discovered that our children are perfect, we’re not.

The time we spent analyzing parenting techniques was beneficial, it allowed us to discuss and solve differences in our approaches. We became solid and united before our children were born. It improved our parenting skills.

On the other hand, when the hypothetical situation became reality, we found ourselves in many situations that our friends and family members had been in.

It’s difficult to be consistent with a sick, grumpy child when you are dead on your feet from lack of sleep. Occasionally, sitting for five minutes is more important than physically intervening with a toddler who is playing with your plants.

Depending on the situation, a temper tantrum may need hugs instead of reprimands. Sometimes it’s important to allow children to make their own mistakes and realize the consequences – in a safe environment.

Variables. I couldn’t list them all.

The biggest lesson I learned is parenting is much simpler when you don’t have kids!

I read two excellent posts today that I wanted to highlight because the same considerations have crossed my mind. The thought process usually begins with “What the hell are they thinking?” and ends with me shaking my head and trying to ponder how so many archaic sexist attitudes are still considered the norm in our society.

Although I have chatted briefly with MIWomensforum on twitter, I’ve only discovered her blog The Midlife Feminist today. In the post I’m referring to she discusses how it seems the women’s movement has come full circle and we’re back to where we began with women considering marriage as a way to “correct” the world (both financially and morally). Read the article here: Full Circle

The second article is from a parenting blog called Fabuloso Kids. The blog post centers around a back to school shirt targeting girls, that reads, “I’m too pretty to do homework so my brother has to do it for me.” Sadly, I’m sure it would have been a best seller until outrage from some groups forced the department store to pull it from the shelves. The fact that the buyer allowed it on the shelves in the first place, tells us that there are many accepted cultural biases we still need to overcome. Read the article here: This Is Why We Started Fabulosokids.

Both of these articles focus on the belief that women need to be cared for. Take off the blinders and look in the mirror. If we can begin to look past what society tells us to see, we’ll discover our inner dreams, goals and amazing strengths. A solid sense of self will allow us to care for ourselves. Only then… can we truly reciprocate care in a way that enhances our power rather than gives it away.

Photo Credit

Failure is a means to spur us on to create something better. Something more successful. When I realized my marriage failed to provide me with what I needed to be a happy, whole person, I spent a lot of time thinking (much of it in bed) trying to determine what I could have / should have done differently.

I knew I should have kept a career. I knew I should have controlled my financial future. The problem is, when your first baby is born, common sense seems to be replaced with a mind numbing need to nurture. Going back to work and leaving my baby with a stranger felt like it would have killed me. I had an obsessive compulsion to take care of my children when they were too vulnerable to care for themselves. It wasn’t until both my boys reached double digits that I began to relax and let non-family into temporary caregiver roles.

With two babies at home, my self-esteem nosedived. I wasn’t working and getting paid for my efforts, no one to tell me I’d done a good job. No confirmation in dollar value. Wrongly, I didn’t feel I had the right to spend the money my husband earned on myself.

I started several jobs at different times but my children’s needs made it difficult to maintain and grow a career beyond part-time employment. I tried a babysitter for a short time but my youngest was not treated well, so I removed them. We didn’t live in a large city where there were multiple choices for jobs or affordable daycare. I even tried bringing them to work; I had to quit a job I loved.

Hindsight affords me the luxury to determine what I would have done differently. After many tears of anger, frustration and sadness, I realized, I would make the exact same choice again. I will always do what is best for my children. As much as part of me longed for a financially viable career and time away from the house, children deserve to be nurtured and loved on a full-time basis by their parents.

Then I realized that perhaps parents ought to look at a stay-at-home situation from an entirely different perspective.

What if we ran a home like we run our a businesses? There are several benefits to this method.

1. Accountability for time
2. Specific work hours
3. Proof of equality
4. Payment for services rendered
5. Attaches a recognizable value to work completed
6. Relationship issues will become apparent quickly
7. Financial Independence

Sounds crazy doesn’t it?

The more I think about this, the more I believe it is a perfect way to scrub the sticky floor clean. It will offer women, and a growing number of men, a sense of pride and autonomy in a relationship, while doing what’s best for their children. Women will never have full equality in the workforce until we are able to model equality at home.

I’ll explain how to accomplish this in future posts.

Photo Credit

One night President Obama and his wife Michelle decided to do something out of routine and go for a casual dinner at a restaurant that wasn’t too luxurious. When they were seated, the owner of the restaurant asked the president’s secret service if he could please speak to the First Lady in private. They obliged and Michelle had a conversation with the owner.

Following this conversation President Obama asked Michelle, “why was he so interested in talking to you?” She mentioned that in her teenage years, he had been madly in love with her. President Obama then said, “so if you had married him, you would now be the owner of this lovely restaurant” , to which Michelle responded, “no, if I had married him, he would now be the President”.

The picture above is my favorite image of the Obamas; someone passed it onto me with the above story, via email. The tale is false but thought it ideal to illustrate a marriage point and a misconceived idea of mine.

You see at one time, when I was young and ignorant, I believed that post-divorce a woman didn’t deserve alimony, that she could easily go back to work and support herself regardless of whether she had employment during the marriage or not. I do believe that divorced spouses should work towards being self-supporting but realize there are more considerations than just the money.

“The purpose of alimony is to limit any unfair economic effects of a divorce by providing a continuing income to a non-wage-earning or lower-wage-earning spouse.” FindLaw

Personally, I’ve found the challenges much more intense than ever imagined. I’ve always been the type of person who puts her head down and works until it is done. It hasn’t been as simple as getting money to help me get back on my feet. I am doing things in middle age that most people do in their early twenties. I’m beginning to build a career, when people my age have had a 25 year head start. By affording my ex the opportunity to focus on his career while I took care of all of the remaining responsibilities, he was able to build his income from nothing to extremely comfortable. He was able to do it at a time when he had youthful energy on his side, when he was able to make mistakes and learn from them, so in the second half of his career, his experience would benefit him. He was able to do it in an economy that was supportive of his goals.

I am just beginning to build the career of my dreams, except I didn’t have the freedom to actually understand what that dream might be until now. I don’t have the stamina I had 20 years ago, so I have to work smarter without the luxury of a support system. I can’t afford mistakes at this stage of my life.

I know that if my ex didn’t have someone who took care of his home and children for him, his career would look entirely different. Given the same opportunities, mine would be different too.

How can you possibly put a dollar value on that?

“Fathers, like mothers, are not born. Men grow into fathers – and fathering is a very important stage in their development.”
David M. Gottesman

The sexiest, most interesting men alive, are not the ones with six packs for abs, nor the men who are driving flashy cars and carrying thick wallets. They’re the fathers who have embraced their roles and are fully responsible for the impact they wield on their children’s lives.

They’re the men who realize that mothering shouldn’t be a 24 hour job – and jump at the chance to spend time with their children. Men, who do so, because they’ve found true happiness in make-believe stories and therapeutic laughter at the changing table; not because it’s some mandatory duty carried out to deflect anger from an overworked spouse.

Real fathers make the conscious decision to be present in their children’s lives, to learn and improve in their roles as “dad”. Happy Father’s Day to all the dad’s who are striving daily to do their best for their children…

Here are some insightful & helpful blogs penned by fathers. If you have a favorite, please share!

• Rey(es) of Light
• A Dad’s Point of View
• Dad Labs

Photo Credit

I have been blessed. My mother taught me the importance of affection and love which I passed onto my children.

When I first had my babies, I assumed if I put my heart and soul into them, they would grow to be fine, young men. It has proven true, thank goodness! Raising children is like closing your eyes and jumping – thinking you know where you’ll land, but never being sure until you do.

The attached picture and the poem below are my favorite Mother’s Day gifts from my boys. The handprint is a gift from my soon to be 18 year old, his hand now bigger than the material the kindergarten version is printed upon.

The poem is from my new 16 year old. He wrote it in his first years of school. Both gifts make me cry.

Night in Shining Armor

You’re the shield
Blocking things I do and say
You’re the sword
Slashing my nightmares far away
You’re the night in shining armor
Keeping me safe,
Happy mothers day.

By your son,
C. Williams

I hope you are celebrating today with the women who have slashed your nightmares away. Happy Mother’s Day.