I read two excellent posts today that I wanted to highlight because the same considerations have crossed my mind. The thought process usually begins with “What the hell are they thinking?” and ends with me shaking my head and trying to ponder how so many archaic sexist attitudes are still considered the norm in our society.

Although I have chatted briefly with MIWomensforum on twitter, I’ve only discovered her blog The Midlife Feminist today. In the post I’m referring to she discusses how it seems the women’s movement has come full circle and we’re back to where we began with women considering marriage as a way to “correct” the world (both financially and morally). Read the article here: Full Circle

The second article is from a parenting blog called Fabuloso Kids. The blog post centers around a back to school shirt targeting girls, that reads, “I’m too pretty to do homework so my brother has to do it for me.” Sadly, I’m sure it would have been a best seller until outrage from some groups forced the department store to pull it from the shelves. The fact that the buyer allowed it on the shelves in the first place, tells us that there are many accepted cultural biases we still need to overcome. Read the article here: This Is Why We Started Fabulosokids.

Both of these articles focus on the belief that women need to be cared for. Take off the blinders and look in the mirror. If we can begin to look past what society tells us to see, we’ll discover our inner dreams, goals and amazing strengths. A solid sense of self will allow us to care for ourselves. Only then… can we truly reciprocate care in a way that enhances our power rather than gives it away.

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Failure is a means to spur us on to create something better. Something more successful. When I realized my marriage failed to provide me with what I needed to be a happy, whole person, I spent a lot of time thinking (much of it in bed) trying to determine what I could have / should have done differently.

I knew I should have kept a career. I knew I should have controlled my financial future. The problem is, when your first baby is born, common sense seems to be replaced with a mind numbing need to nurture. Going back to work and leaving my baby with a stranger felt like it would have killed me. I had an obsessive compulsion to take care of my children when they were too vulnerable to care for themselves. It wasn’t until both my boys reached double digits that I began to relax and let non-family into temporary caregiver roles.

With two babies at home, my self-esteem nosedived. I wasn’t working and getting paid for my efforts, no one to tell me I’d done a good job. No confirmation in dollar value. Wrongly, I didn’t feel I had the right to spend the money my husband earned on myself.

I started several jobs at different times but my children’s needs made it difficult to maintain and grow a career beyond part-time employment. I tried a babysitter for a short time but my youngest was not treated well, so I removed them. We didn’t live in a large city where there were multiple choices for jobs or affordable daycare. I even tried bringing them to work; I had to quit a job I loved.

Hindsight affords me the luxury to determine what I would have done differently. After many tears of anger, frustration and sadness, I realized, I would make the exact same choice again. I will always do what is best for my children. As much as part of me longed for a financially viable career and time away from the house, children deserve to be nurtured and loved on a full-time basis by their parents.

Then I realized that perhaps parents ought to look at a stay-at-home situation from an entirely different perspective.

What if we ran a home like we run our a businesses? There are several benefits to this method.

1. Accountability for time
2. Specific work hours
3. Proof of equality
4. Payment for services rendered
5. Attaches a recognizable value to work completed
6. Relationship issues will become apparent quickly
7. Financial Independence

Sounds crazy doesn’t it?

The more I think about this, the more I believe it is a perfect way to scrub the sticky floor clean. It will offer women, and a growing number of men, a sense of pride and autonomy in a relationship, while doing what’s best for their children. Women will never have full equality in the workforce until we are able to model equality at home.

I’ll explain how to accomplish this in future posts.

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There have been many extreme reactions to this video.

The issue that many people have – and the one that left me feeling uncomfortable – is making all men responsible by issuing an apology on behalf of their gender. Also the assumption that all women are innocents. There are women who have contributed to these crimes and continue to promote an imbalance of power. Perhaps unconsciously, perhaps not.

If you’ve ever been through a healing process in which you must overcome crimes committed against you, an apology is powerful. Getting an apology – even if it’s not directly from the perpetrator – can be the start of the healing process. This is the core spirit of the video.

Our world has been dominated by masculinity. Through embracing the feminine with equal fervor, our individual and collective world will become more balanced.

It’s easy to criticize another for not creating something we deem as a perfect solution. What if instead, we gave the originators credit for beginning a process and discussion? Let’s take what’s healthy and build on it.

Do you think the underlying message is helpful or hurtful? How would you improve it?

Here is a small sample of responses:
Masculinity-Movies.com
The Engtovo Chronicles
A Manifesto for Conscious Women Facebook Page

In the article she says, “Forget Generation X or Y, how about calling us Generation E, for Exhausted!”

So true. I was born on the tail end of the Baby Boomer generation or the start of Generation X depending on what article you’re reading. The generation I hail from doesn’t really matter, I’m too tired to care.

Yes, I thought I could do it all, I was fortunate to have the opportunity.

Women know they have to work harder than their male counterparts, in order to move forward, we’ve accepted it and taken on everything they chose not to. At the same time as working harder for the same credit, often in an office AND at home, we’re trying to grab life by the kahunas and experience as much as we possibly can, while looking absolutely fabulous doing it.

Not sure about you, but finding the time to spend polishing nails and styling hair is a challenge, in and of, itself. It’s a challenge for me personally because having perfect nails and hair is not on my high priority list. Keeping a roof over my children’s head and food on their table is.

“Our patterns, habits and beliefs as 21st century women have been formed based on valuing ourselves by what we can do instead of by who we are, regardless of what we accomplish. If we ever hope to have lives that sustain us versus drain us, we must rewire our thought patterns and change what we value,” says Arylo.

Agree. Appearances are way too important. Unfortunately, as women we perpetuate that notion.

I remember being alone with two small children trying to manage for weeks at a time without any support and no breaks. I was “doing it all.” Looking for some support from the women around me, I asked how they managed to care for their children physically, emotionally & developmentally, while taking care of the house and themselves. I was having trouble getting a shower by myself. Rather than walking away feeling supported, I walked away feeling inferior. These women could do it all, and they could do it before noon.

What I learned later, and what they’d neglected to share, was they had a strong support system. Someone who covered for them while they accomplished their tasks. A person who gave them a break. It was more important for them to share how fabulous they were than to emotionally support a fellow struggling mother. They needed to look like they were doing it all. By themselves.

The only part of Arylo’s article in which I disagree is her recommendations for 2 of her 3 acts of self-love.
She says, “Stop looking for sympathy and acknowledgment for your busyness.”

Certainly, I know there are women out there who, like the mothers I mentioned above, are saying one thing and doing another. There are women (and men) who talk and perform tasks for the simple pleasure of the attention they will receive for having done them. I am not one such person, so that statement is insulting.

I have prioritized my life in the way I see as the best choice for my family. Sometimes those priorities have to be a “yes” for survival. Sometimes saying no is ridiculous. “Excuse me Mr. Bear but you can’t maul me today as this is my “self-love” time and I have chosen to skip through this beautiful forest. We’ll just have to schedule that for another day.”

The reality of our current economy is that some of us have to work as hard as we are for a reason other than impressing our friends. Some of us are trying to right previous wrongs, fix mistakes and move forward. If you’ve ever paddled a boat, you need to paddle harder when you first change direction. Unfortunately, lives take a little longer than a kayak to turn around.

Her second piece of advice was to “Stop acknowledging other women for their super human feats of multi-tasking.”

Wow. Tough love. Don’t you think women have been doing that to each other already for generations?

Arylo goes on to say, “instead of congratulating or commiserating with her, either ignore the invitation to collude, or invite her to put less pressure on herself by sharing your personal experience of transforming your own overwhelm into self-love.”

May I respectfully suggest instead of potentially adding to her negative self-feelings, you might perhaps question her a little to HELP her determine if she is truly overwhelmed or just prioritizing inefficiently? How about offering her some assistance as part of your self-love? “Many hands make light work.” The above approach only serves to divide us.

The best advice in the article was, “…close your eyes and ask yourself what you really need that day to take care of yourself.”

Although it may sound like I take issue with Christine Arylo’s article, I don’t truly. Her message is an important one. Women should love themselves more, but we increase our chances of loving ourselves when we stop judging others and appreciate them instead.

Arylo wrote an excellent piece overall, her 2 bits of advice were two small items in an issue that has been gaining momentum in my irritation department. It’s a little used room in my brain, I typically don’t go there often, but every once in a while all hallways seem to lead me to it’s door. Probably because I haven’t had a day off in 2+ months. I kept trying to take time for myself but possible income overrules a day off – every time – at least until I have a financial security blanket to crawl under.

One of the precursors to my irritation was a Facebook status update by one of my favorite people in Michigan. This particular man is known for his kindness, consideration and extreme efforts to help others, so I was taken aback by his post. He was essentially admonishing people for using the excuse of being busy to not get something done. He said it was lame.

By whose standards?

When people say they’re too busy to do something what they’re really saying is, “Your project/event is not high enough on my priority list for me to participate in/attend.” That should be good enough. It’s not our place to judge another person’s priorities.

As each of us rushes to make our mark on this world, in this economy, it seems that harsh judgements are becoming prevalent. Do your fellow humans a favor, whether male or female; give them the benefit of the doubt. Some of us are doing our best, with what we have, and your judgements sting.

I am happy your lives are comfortable enough to afford you some choices, or some flexibility in your prioritization department, but please don’t judge my life by the same standards. Our lives and experiences are different!

Instead, use that extra time to ask questions and develop an understanding. We need to start loving each other more freely, if we ever hope to truly love ourselves.

Thank you to @VAnetowrking for bringing the article No Matter How Much I Do, It’s Never Enough… How To Be Happy Regardless Of How Much You Accomplish to my attention via Facebook.

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My neighbor borrowed the audio book Flying Under Bridges (affiliate link) from the library and found herself laughing out loud in her car while she listened. Knowing I was a huge Shirley Valentine fan, she loaned me the discs when she finished with them. She was right, I loved it!

Flying Under Bridges is a witty look at many of the issues we face, including equality. The author, Sandy Toksvig weaves the story with humorous sarcasm, provoking deep consideration while I simultaneously laughed out loud and yelled, “Yes!” in agreement with her human observations.

Here are my favorite excerpts from the book. I could easily discuss each one in it’s own merit but for now, I’ll just share them as I heard them.

“The housewife who must wait for the success of world revolution for her liberty might be excused for losing hope.” Germaine Greer

“Its when you go to the supermarket you see the true triumph of the women’s liberation. Each out of town superstore is packed with women leading full and satisfying lives. These are the women who have achieved the serenity of motherhood, the satisfaction of a creative career, and the ability to achieve orgasm during the spin cycle of one of their many efficient household appliances

Women who know how to fondle a melon into ripeness, a child into slumber and a man into ecstasy.

Is it true?

Wander down any isle and find out.

These are the women who aren’t supposed to exist anymore. They were supposed to have woken to the clarion call of liberation given in the 1960′s and 1970′s and reached out to fulfill themselves. Instead these women had stolidly followed in their mothers silent footsteps. The women knocking on the glass ceilings of corporate affairs might find it hard to imagine these suburban lives but they are still being lived. Some with more equanimity than others.”

“A man killing someone while he was drunk might have used it for a defense but for a woman it painted her as even more satanic.”

“Now the rules were clear. He didn’t need to romance her but she needed to work to keep him. All the magazines said so. Every wife was a devil for having cellulite. She must not let herself go. She must think of witty and appropriate conversation to have over well prepared meals. And he might smell of sweat and labor but she might not. Not ever.

She must succumb to perfumes, bombs and bath oils. Colors for her hair, her lips, her cheeks and her eyes. Above all she must not look down in the bath and find that her stomach refused to sink below the water.”

“Adam didn’t want me to be subservient, that’s what he would tell you, he just thought I should do it his way. Women are subservient to men because they made men disobey God. Bloody Eve, bloody, bloody Eve.”

If you have the opportunity to listen to the book on disc, I recommend it. Hearing the author tell the story in her own voice enhanced the understanding but I also would have appreciated the opportunity to re-read some of the paragraphs. Time well spent: Flying Under Bridges (affiliate link)

“What if the modern, postindustrial economy is simply more congenial to women than to men? For a long time, evolutionary psychologists have claimed that we are all imprinted with adaptive imperatives from a distant past: men are faster and stronger and hardwired to fight for scarce resources, and that shows up now as a drive to win on Wall Street; women are programmed to find good providers and to care for their offspring, and that is manifested in more- nurturing and more-flexible behavior, ordaining them to domesticity. This kind of thinking frames our sense of the natural order. But what if men and women were fulfilling not biological imperatives but social roles, based on what was more efficient throughout a long era of human history? What if that era has now come to an end? More to the point, what if the economics of the new era are better suited to women?”

The above is an excerpt from The End of Men by writer Hanna Rosen published in The Atlantic in July 2010.

It’s a long article and well worth the read. I tend to believe that we have fulfilled social roles but change is inevitable. Our roles are evolving, women have been innately feeling it for decades and have worked to make it happen while many fight against the unfamiliarity of change. Now it’s the men who must evolve and share some of the responsibilities that have been a burden to women working outside the home. This prolonged transformation has left women juggling more than their fair share and the process has had an unforeseen side effect. It’s made women more efficient, more organized and more determined; skills that have proactively benefitted the workplace.

Thanks to Ken Brand for bringing the link to my attention via Facebook.

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I disagree.

There is a purpose for every person on our planet, we need to determine what that purpose is rather than requiring they become something they’re not. This process begins in our schools when we force children who learn differently to adapt to styles that are in opposition to their natural skills. We then point out when they fail and they lose confidence in themselves. Instead we should be embracing those differences, finding their purpose and teaching them to enhance their skills.

I have never told my kids that I expect straight A’s. I’ve told them I expect them to try their best. My school experience taught me that I could try equally as hard in two classes and one would result in an A, the other in a C. There are so many variables out of our children’s control that has an effect on their final grade. Illness, teachers, ability to name just a few.

When I enrolled my children in the Worthington School District while living in Ohio, I was impressed when they introduced a grading system based on the Multiple Intelligence theory. I had personally concluded that many people learned differently after watching my children struggle in school when I knew they were incredibly intelligent; they just didn’t learn best by traditional rote methods. Many of the teachers don’t grasp the concept and instead try to suggest learning challenged children require medication to learn. When my eldest was in 4th grade, he was blessed to have a teacher who was not a “rule follower,” she looked at every student as an individual and tried to cater to each’s unique learning style. She allowed my son to work in her class while standing up. He excelled that year and developed the confidence he needed to improve his grades in the years following.

Multiple intelligences allows for a society of people who have different specialties and a variety of skills. Teaching or embracing those people who learn differently will ultimately serve our community better. The challenge is finding a fiscally responsible way of accommodating the variety of learning styles. My friend Kim Kassner of EmpowerMind is trying to improve lives by teaching people how to learn best based on their own abilities. Do you know of any other programs working to embrace and amplify our innate learning differences?

What surprised me over the past 20 years is that media hasn’t become more realistic towards women, they’ve instead begun to inflict the same stereotypes on men. There is one company that stands out as different from the typical image advertising barrage and as a result has my ongoing respect. I’m referring to Dove’s Campaign for Real Beauty. I love their advertising. I make a point of stopping to watch the commercials when they’re on. No other company has gotten that much attention from me over so many years.

My neighbor sent me the following video via email. It is meant to be funny but comedian Anita Renfroe’s message is a great one. Regardless of what stage of life you are in, take the time to appreciate and love who you are and how you look. “Make peace with it.”

Do you know any other companies risking their bottom line to promote a more realistic image of men and women?

International Women’s Day celebrates the economic, political and social achievements of women past, present and future.

Women have many achievements to be proud of. The equality we enjoy is the result of the work of women (and men) before us. And yet, even in North America, many of us experience the residual discrimination leftover from years when we were not so fortunate. Regardless, none of us can deny we are lucky in comparison to women born in many other countries.

The following video asks the question:

“If all women had rights equal to those enjoyed by men, would there still be war?”

Many organizations believe that the education and empowerment of women will assist unstable countries in stabilizing themselves. My friend, Sondra, works with www.creatinghope.org, and sent out an International Women’s Day message that included the following quote:

We honor and respect the new women heroes of Afghanistan. The woman who, after a lifetime of illiteracy, learns to read- and sends all her children to school. The widow who learns the skills to become a tailor and can now support her family. The wife who can now share passages in the Quran with her husband, and discuss the real meaning. The new nurse/midwife who works to deliver healthy babies. The woman who has moved from illiteracy upwards and is now a teacher to other women. The woman who has learned to communicate with other women over the world via the Internet.

As women, we’re created with the innate desire to nurture, to care, and to perpetuate our species. These traits are in direct opposition to war. Women and men are meant to be equal because it provides balance in our homes, our communities, and ultimately, in the world.