1. Be consistent.
   No matter how tired or fed up you are, consistency is key for long-term parenting ease. The less consistent you are with your children, the harder it will become to parent them in the future.  Learn to be consistent when your children are young.  If you say you’re going to do something, do it.  By the same token, never threaten anything that you can’t or don’t want to carry out.  This doesn’t just apply to discipline! It teaches children that it’s important to think about what is said first and that your word can be solidly relied upon. Consistency makes them feel safe.
2. Be positive.
   My basic behaviorist code is four positives for every negative. With a toddler or a small child, you may feel as though you are saying “NO!” all the time. It doesn’t have to be so negative; consider what you choose to focus on. Make an effort to find what the child is doing right.  Sitting still? Praise him or her. Walking along the table edge? Talk about fantastic balancing skills. With older children it’s easier and just as important. Tell them what you love about them, tell them why you expect certain behaviors (they’re intelligent, they’re analytical, they’re street smart) before you explain what you’d like to see changed. Let them know they are better than their mistakes, and can make better choices next time.  Both instances teach your child you believe in their abilities. Both instances give them the self-esteem to know they can do better.  Only focusing on the negative is a confidence stealer and leads to children who won’t bother to make an effort to improve. Focusing on the positive is difficult and feels weird at first, especially if it was not how you were raised. Practice makes it comfortable, and you’ll see the difference in your child after you’re able to include positivity consistently.
3. No response is still a response.
   I see this all the time among parents and children.  One or the other doesn’t want to let the other down.  They don’t want confrontation, so they stand and say nothing, as though the eyes can independently pass on the message.  It doesn’t work that way, the person on the other end of the gaze will read what they choose into the message.  Be clear and use your words to communicate.  
4. Respect.
   Parents demand respect from children, but is it offered in return? Respect should work two ways. The best way for a child to learn respect is to experience it and to see you model it with them. Children should not be treated like second class citizens; their concerns, fears, and triumphs should be celebrated and considered with equal attention.
5. Listen.
   You need to be heard, and so do your children. Listen to their achievements and their arguments. Let them know you’ve heard what they said clearly by paraphrasing it back to them.  In a discipline situation, once you let them know you’re clear on their point, they can no longer argue, “You don’t understand!” Once you’ve confirmed understanding, there is no reason to continue to belabor a point and you can cut discussion short.
6. Be fair.
   Are you fair with your children? Do you give them equal respect, equal consideration and equal time? Keep your frustration in check to ensure that your child gets a proper “hearing.” There is a time and a place for “adult rules” versus “kid rules” but don’t think you’re fooling anyone if your rules have been created for the sole purpose of self-benefit. When you exhibit fairness to your children, they in turn will model it to others.  There will come a time when you expect them to be fair to you.
7. Promote Honesty.
   Many parents make this mistake! Your child is caught doing something wrong, they confess and you inflict maximum punishment.  Even criminals get off early for good behavior. There should be two levels of punishment: 1) for unacceptable behavior accompanied by lying and 2) for unacceptable behavior accompanied by truth telling.  The lighter of the two punishments goes with the honesty.  If you don’t do this, your children will lie to you to avoid the punishment and you are less likely to ever fully understand the events. If they’ve been caught, children are more likely to give an honest account of events if they know they can get a lighter sentence. Eventually, being truthful will become an automatic response.
8. Allow them to make some mistakes.
   As parents we try to direct our children away from mistakes and pain but there are important lessons to be learned from negative situations.  Rather than protecting our children from all harm, we have the ability to choose to allow certain situations to play out as learning experiences. Obviously, dangerous situations should be circumvented all the time, but allowing smaller lessons to occur will help your child generalize those lessons to larger, more defining situations. How you choose to handle this will depend on each unique situation and child.
9. Teach them gratitude.
   Please and thank you are the gateway phrases to gratitude. Begin by teaching your child proper manners. It’s more difficult to learn gratitude if a child gets everything they want all the time. Open a conversation about the differences between haves, wants, and needs. Spend time guiding an imagination session on what life would be like without “x”. This doesn’t just apply to possessions, it could apply to their school, relationships or themselves, too. If a child can experience empathy, it’s easier for them to learn gratitude. Learning to live a life with gratitude helps to combat self-negativity and depression.
10. Know when to let go.
    We want to hold onto our children their entire lives, after all, our lives revolved around them for YEARS. If we have done our parenting job correctly, there will come a time when they don’t need us. Our purpose, as parents, is to teach our children to live independently. I’m not referring to living quarters here, I’m referring to their spirit and cognitive abilities. They should be able to make their own decisions, to understand the difference between right and wrong, to take over developing their own spiritual growth. True parenting success is when they choose to ask our opinion but confidently make their own decision.
11. Live as you want them to live.
    Modeling is a very strong source of education. We copy behaviors as a way of adopting them and learning about them. This learning skill is very strong in childhood. So if you are modeling undesirable behaviors like smoking, drugs, alcoholism or unrestrained anger, you are teaching these coping mechanisms to your children. Stop fooling yourself, telling them not to do it is not enough, you need to model the appropriate behaviors yourself. Seek counseling and your child will learn that asking for help is positive and that learning at any age is possible.
12. Evolution is desirable.
    Your children are meant to be better than you. You should be teaching your children lessons you’ve learned, so your children will get a head start on all of life’s lessons. This will allow them to adapt, learn and grow. Your children are not in competition with you, each generation is meant to evolve and be better than the last. Give them permission to excel while helping them grow beyond anything you can imagine.

I don’t like my children right now.

Now that you’ve finished gasping and thinking terrible things about me – I’ll explain.

I love my kids. They’re the best thing that’s happened to me, but at times they are also the worst. Every parent has secretly thought this, and many have hidden those feelings out of guilt and remorse for thinking it.

My youngest has been sick with yet another childhood disease. He wakes up continuously throughout the night, too sick to know what he wants. Asking for reassurances, he;ll punch and kick me when I try to give them and scream hysterically when I offer him space. It is an exercise in frustration for both of us.

I know it’s temporary, and I feel badly that mommy can’t make the ouch go away, but it doesn’t change the fact that he’s extremely difficult to love at these times.

He’s stopped talking – presumably because of the painful lesions in his mouth. He screams and points instead. Put this behaviour with a typical two year old and it equals a less than desirable personality.

Normally I have the patience of Job, but without sleep I find I have to resist the temptation to join him in his juvenile flailing.

My tolerance completely disappears when his older brother finds humour in prodding the toddler into hysterics. Add this to the fact that he’s attached to my leg every waking hour while I’m trying to cook dinner, powder my nose, get dressed. The time it takes to accomplish essential household tasks increases fourfold.

My neighbour, who also has two boys eighteen months apart, tells me it’s okay not to like them. Her boys are teenagers now and she says she is very familiar with the emotion!

When relief comes in the form of my husband, I escape to spend an hour undisturbed by myself. That’s all it takes to recharge my batteries. Once I’m feeling human again the guilt kicks in and I feel terrible for being impatient when my children need me most. Besides love, I think guilt is the most common emotion a mother feels – but that’s a whole other column!

I guess I just needed time out. Perhaps it’s okay not to appreciate your children sometimes, as long as it’s their behaviour you don’t like – not them.

Photo Credit

My youngest son after eating soot from the fireplace.

Growth Spurts

I was a better parent when I didn’t have children.

My hypothetical children never tantrummed in public. They were incredibly polite. They were never out of control. They didn’t climb on the dinner table when we had company. They were model citizens in restaurants. Nothing escaped my eagle eye.

After visits by family and friends who have children, my husband and I would lay in bed discussing what we would do differently. Our children were perfect.

Now that we have some of our own, I’ve discovered that our children are perfect, we’re not.

The time we spent analyzing parenting techniques was beneficial, it allowed us to discuss and solve differences in our approaches. We became solid and united before our children were born. It improved our parenting skills.

On the other hand, when the hypothetical situation became reality, we found ourselves in many situations that our friends and family members had been in.

It’s difficult to be consistent with a sick, grumpy child when you are dead on your feet from lack of sleep. Occasionally, sitting for five minutes is more important than physically intervening with a toddler who is playing with your plants.

Depending on the situation, a temper tantrum may need hugs instead of reprimands. Sometimes it’s important to allow children to make their own mistakes and realize the consequences – in a safe environment.

Variables. I couldn’t list them all.

The biggest lesson I learned is parenting is much simpler when you don’t have kids!

I’m serene and realize the fear is completely gone.

I flew for the first time when I was 16. My grandparents were spending winters in Florida and sent for me to visit them. There was the slight trepidation that typically accompanies something new, but it wasn’t fear.

It wasn’t until my children were born that I developed anxiety around flying. It always began the day before and didn’t end until I was safe at the gate. I knew the intensity of the fear was unrealistic while at the same time my heart felt as though it were going to explode, especially during any take off and landing. My love of travel won over my fears but it was a hard fought battle.

I realized the impending sense of doom that filled my every pore, was related to having babies. A physical response that had no business stressing me out in these modern times. My body was telling me I no longer was only responsible for myself, I was responsible for two small beings whose survival depended on mine.

Yesterday, I felt similar trepidation. My eldest got his driver’s license last week. We made plans for him to drive me to the airport before school. This way he’d be able to use my car to get to and from his new job while I was out of town. I was fine until I realized after he dropped me off, he’d have to drive 45 minutes on the freeway and may meet the morning rush hour head on. He brought his younger brother along for moral support and GPS management.

I called them from the gate; they’d made it back to our area and were exiting the freeway. Relief. They’re growing up and able to be responsible for their own destiny.

For the first time in 17 years, take off was a breeze.

In thinking back to the advice I got at his age, I would tell my son something different. There is no such thing as job security anymore, so choose to do what makes you happy. The job you want may not be in existence yet. Go to school to learn work ethic, keep your mind and options open for the future. Better yet, create the job you want!

If you have children that will be or have graduated from high school recently, what career advice are you giving them? Has the economy or the instability of jobs changed your views?

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I disagree.

There is a purpose for every person on our planet, we need to determine what that purpose is rather than requiring they become something they’re not. This process begins in our schools when we force children who learn differently to adapt to styles that are in opposition to their natural skills. We then point out when they fail and they lose confidence in themselves. Instead we should be embracing those differences, finding their purpose and teaching them to enhance their skills.

I have never told my kids that I expect straight A’s. I’ve told them I expect them to try their best. My school experience taught me that I could try equally as hard in two classes and one would result in an A, the other in a C. There are so many variables out of our children’s control that has an effect on their final grade. Illness, teachers, ability to name just a few.

When I enrolled my children in the Worthington School District while living in Ohio, I was impressed when they introduced a grading system based on the Multiple Intelligence theory. I had personally concluded that many people learned differently after watching my children struggle in school when I knew they were incredibly intelligent; they just didn’t learn best by traditional rote methods. Many of the teachers don’t grasp the concept and instead try to suggest learning challenged children require medication to learn. When my eldest was in 4th grade, he was blessed to have a teacher who was not a “rule follower,” she looked at every student as an individual and tried to cater to each’s unique learning style. She allowed my son to work in her class while standing up. He excelled that year and developed the confidence he needed to improve his grades in the years following.

Multiple intelligences allows for a society of people who have different specialties and a variety of skills. Teaching or embracing those people who learn differently will ultimately serve our community better. The challenge is finding a fiscally responsible way of accommodating the variety of learning styles. My friend Kim Kassner of EmpowerMind is trying to improve lives by teaching people how to learn best based on their own abilities. Do you know of any other programs working to embrace and amplify our innate learning differences?